Co-sleeping: Trouble Shooting
Sometimes sleeping together as a family does not go as smoothly as it is supposed to. Here are some hints for those of you out there who are feeling exhausted. First, the practical hints:
1. Do not keep a clock next to the bed. If you must have one, face it away from you so you can't see it when you are awakened in the night. You may be surprised how much easier things are when you don't know exactly how long it has been since the last time you were awakened, or when the last time was. If you quit watching the clock, you'll start losing count of the number of night wakings, and spend less time lying there resenting the interruption (which keeps you from going back to sleep rapidly).
2. If you haven’t mastered nursing lying down, it's a must! Take a rolled up towel to bed with you to wedge behind your lower back and keep you on your side while you are night nursing. This alleviates the need for you to maintain your side-lying position with your muscles, allowing you to completely relax and go back to sleep almost immediately after you get the baby latched on.
3. Don't worry about burping unless you notice that air bubbles become a problem that keep baby from going back to sleep. Most babies take in less air when nursed lying down, AND when nursed before they get too fussy and agitated.
4. Get that baby latched on as soon as he makes a single peep or snuffle. Don't wait until he wakes up enough to cry. Babies who are put off from nursing tend to nurse a lot more often, as if they are just making sure it is still there. This strategy will help both of you fall asleep again much faster too, as neither of you gets a chance to get your frustration-induced adrenaline flowing much.
5. If you are still not getting enough sleep after implementing the above ideas, you must nap at least once during the day if you possibly can. A lot of moms hate to do that because “off time” is so rare and precious, but you won't be able to enjoy any of the "off time" you do get if you are so exhausted that you are miserable and grumpy all day.
6. Keep your baby up more in the day. I know it is really hard to do when baby-nap-time seems like the only time you have to accomplish anything, but you can try not letting him/her sleep for more than an hour at a time, and not more than twice a day (once a day for toddlers). He/she may be grumpy for a few days until his/her body gets used to the new schedule, but he may wake less at night and sleep later in the morning. Also, make certain your baby gets a good nursing at least every two hours in the day even if you have to take him/her into a dark quiet place to get him interested. Babies go through various stages in which the world is so fascinating and that they may be forget to eat during the day, making up for it at night.
7. Talk to your partner, or develop a special reciprocal relationship with another parent if you are a single. People were not designed to raise babies alone. Human beings evolved to live in large extended family groups. There was always set of familiar loving arms to hold the baby for a minute when Mama needed to get something done. What we expect from primary caregivers in western culture is inhumane and unnatural. You must have time to take showers, and just breathe. If you are not getting the time you need, lay it out to your partner in a loving way that in order to stay sane, and remain a loving member of the family, you need some time that you can count on every day just for you. Even a half-hour can make a huge difference. Make it a regular thing. A half hour does not sound like much, but I think you will be amazed how much a half hour feels like when you can count on it every night with no nagging on your part, and no resistance on your partner's.
Your partner needs that time with baby too. S/he needs to discover, without you hovering over her/him, his/her own methods of baby-soothing, in order to gain the confidence s/he needs to love the job of co-parenting.
And now for the second part of the equation, attitude adjustment:
If you have ever seen a pie chart of your life, you will see that your children are little for a tiny segment of the whole, about 3%. I know that right now there are some days that seem like an eternity, but from my vantage point (with two grade school kids) those intense first months seem like a fleeting instant from my life. And furthermore, I can see the benefits of my parenting investment in my children every day now. They are a joy.
An acceptance of the flow of life and a trust in rightness of the way things are, can really help you when your little one is going through a difficult phase. Just surrender and know that this is the way it is going to be for a little while. Before you know it, you may very well be waking up in the morning having only vague memories of him/her latching on, or you won't remember if s/he nursed at all. Resentment will keep you awake longer than any baby can.
I know fully rested attachment parents exist. I was one. My son nursed several times a night until he was eighteen months or so, and he was a really bad nap taker. Things worked fine for us though, because we got it down to the point where I would latch him on and wedge that towel behind my back so fast that my total waking time was less than a minute. Finally one day my when our nosy pediatrician asked me if he was still waking up at night, I had to answer "I don't know. I can't remember!" Of course there were some hard times when things were not working out quite like that, and I found I was a zombie for a week or two: teething pain, illness, great brain leaps that caused my son to crawl around the bed in his sleep most of the night, but on the whole I have been one of the most well-rested mothers I know.
I hope these suggestions are of help to those of you who feel worn out. If, after a couple of weeks of trying these suggestions out, you find they are not working, I highly recommend you read Nighttime Parenting by Dr. William Sears. Well, I recommend you read it anyway! It is a really wonderful book, and may offer solutions I have not thought of. I wish you good luck and lots of sleep!
Contraindications for sleep sharing:
1. Never sleep with your baby if you have been drinking or using drugs!
2. Never put your baby to sleep on a water bed or other soft surface!
3. It is better to have a young baby on the side of mother away from dad, as not all fathers have the benefit of the mothering instincts that keep mom from rolling over on the baby.
4. Smokers should not sleep with babies because the toxins that remain on their skin and clothes have been shown to increase the risk of S.I.D.S..
5. Mothers who are morbidly obese should avoid sleep sharing.
Sometimes sleeping together as a family does not go as smoothly as it is supposed to. Here are some hints for those of you out there who are feeling exhausted. First, the practical hints:
1. Do not keep a clock next to the bed. If you must have one, face it away from you so you can't see it when you are awakened in the night. You may be surprised how much easier things are when you don't know exactly how long it has been since the last time you were awakened, or when the last time was. If you quit watching the clock, you'll start losing count of the number of night wakings, and spend less time lying there resenting the interruption (which keeps you from going back to sleep rapidly).
2. If you haven’t mastered nursing lying down, it's a must! Take a rolled up towel to bed with you to wedge behind your lower back and keep you on your side while you are night nursing. This alleviates the need for you to maintain your side-lying position with your muscles, allowing you to completely relax and go back to sleep almost immediately after you get the baby latched on.
3. Don't worry about burping unless you notice that air bubbles become a problem that keep baby from going back to sleep. Most babies take in less air when nursed lying down, AND when nursed before they get too fussy and agitated.
4. Get that baby latched on as soon as he makes a single peep or snuffle. Don't wait until he wakes up enough to cry. Babies who are put off from nursing tend to nurse a lot more often, as if they are just making sure it is still there. This strategy will help both of you fall asleep again much faster too, as neither of you gets a chance to get your frustration-induced adrenaline flowing much.
5. If you are still not getting enough sleep after implementing the above ideas, you must nap at least once during the day if you possibly can. A lot of moms hate to do that because “off time” is so rare and precious, but you won't be able to enjoy any of the "off time" you do get if you are so exhausted that you are miserable and grumpy all day.
6. Keep your baby up more in the day. I know it is really hard to do when baby-nap-time seems like the only time you have to accomplish anything, but you can try not letting him/her sleep for more than an hour at a time, and not more than twice a day (once a day for toddlers). He/she may be grumpy for a few days until his/her body gets used to the new schedule, but he may wake less at night and sleep later in the morning. Also, make certain your baby gets a good nursing at least every two hours in the day even if you have to take him/her into a dark quiet place to get him interested. Babies go through various stages in which the world is so fascinating and that they may be forget to eat during the day, making up for it at night.
7. Talk to your partner, or develop a special reciprocal relationship with another parent if you are a single. People were not designed to raise babies alone. Human beings evolved to live in large extended family groups. There was always set of familiar loving arms to hold the baby for a minute when Mama needed to get something done. What we expect from primary caregivers in western culture is inhumane and unnatural. You must have time to take showers, and just breathe. If you are not getting the time you need, lay it out to your partner in a loving way that in order to stay sane, and remain a loving member of the family, you need some time that you can count on every day just for you. Even a half-hour can make a huge difference. Make it a regular thing. A half hour does not sound like much, but I think you will be amazed how much a half hour feels like when you can count on it every night with no nagging on your part, and no resistance on your partner's.
Your partner needs that time with baby too. S/he needs to discover, without you hovering over her/him, his/her own methods of baby-soothing, in order to gain the confidence s/he needs to love the job of co-parenting.
And now for the second part of the equation, attitude adjustment:
If you have ever seen a pie chart of your life, you will see that your children are little for a tiny segment of the whole, about 3%. I know that right now there are some days that seem like an eternity, but from my vantage point (with two grade school kids) those intense first months seem like a fleeting instant from my life. And furthermore, I can see the benefits of my parenting investment in my children every day now. They are a joy.
An acceptance of the flow of life and a trust in rightness of the way things are, can really help you when your little one is going through a difficult phase. Just surrender and know that this is the way it is going to be for a little while. Before you know it, you may very well be waking up in the morning having only vague memories of him/her latching on, or you won't remember if s/he nursed at all. Resentment will keep you awake longer than any baby can.
I know fully rested attachment parents exist. I was one. My son nursed several times a night until he was eighteen months or so, and he was a really bad nap taker. Things worked fine for us though, because we got it down to the point where I would latch him on and wedge that towel behind my back so fast that my total waking time was less than a minute. Finally one day my when our nosy pediatrician asked me if he was still waking up at night, I had to answer "I don't know. I can't remember!" Of course there were some hard times when things were not working out quite like that, and I found I was a zombie for a week or two: teething pain, illness, great brain leaps that caused my son to crawl around the bed in his sleep most of the night, but on the whole I have been one of the most well-rested mothers I know.
I hope these suggestions are of help to those of you who feel worn out. If, after a couple of weeks of trying these suggestions out, you find they are not working, I highly recommend you read Nighttime Parenting by Dr. William Sears. Well, I recommend you read it anyway! It is a really wonderful book, and may offer solutions I have not thought of. I wish you good luck and lots of sleep!
Contraindications for sleep sharing:
1. Never sleep with your baby if you have been drinking or using drugs!
2. Never put your baby to sleep on a water bed or other soft surface!
3. It is better to have a young baby on the side of mother away from dad, as not all fathers have the benefit of the mothering instincts that keep mom from rolling over on the baby.
4. Smokers should not sleep with babies because the toxins that remain on their skin and clothes have been shown to increase the risk of S.I.D.S..
5. Mothers who are morbidly obese should avoid sleep sharing.
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