Kid Tips: What You Are Is What You Get!
One of the basic findings of developmental psychology is that 90% of what a child learns is modeled on the behavior of other people. More specifically, YOU, especially in the case of young children. In other words, Your child will learn to behave the way s/he sees you behave, not the way you tell him/her to behave. If you don’t want your child to grow into a person who hits, do not hit. If you don’t want your child to grow into a yeller, do not yell. If you want your child to treat you with respect, treat him/her with respect. Model “I’m sorry”, not “saving face”. Model “please” and “thank you”. Children will eventually pick all these things up from you, as long as these behaviors are the norm in your family. Trying to instill behaviors in your kids that you yourself do not demonstrate is worse than useless. Talking about behaviors that you yourself do not demonstrate just teaches kids that you are not trustworthy. i.e. You don’t do what you say you are going to do. “And if Mom and Dad don’t walk their talk, I guess there is an unspoken rule that its ok if I don’t either (just so long as I don’t get caught)”.
The most common lament of parents is that their children don’t respect them. “She doesn’t listen when I talk to her!!” The subtext of this statement is usually: “S/he won’t do what I tell him/her to do!” Your children hear you well enough. There is nothing wrong with the transfer of information or it’s receipt! But children are people, and they learn their listening skills from YOU. Treat your child with the consideration that you would give any other human being. (I do not mean by this that you should give your authority over to your child. I mean simply that you can listen and do your best to understand their experience of their world, through their own eyes, then take their views into account.) If you treat your kids with respect, they will learn respectful behavior from you.
That means not lying for any reason, saying “please”, not borrowing things without asking, respecting their privacy, not taking food off of their plates, listening to his/her side of the story, and not interrupting when they are talking to press your own point. It can also be helpful to get the child’s input before setting rules in stone, because if children feel they have had some collaborative role in the making of the rules and the consequences, they tend to feel a greater sense of ownership in their enforcement. If you want your kids to listen to you, you need to listen to them, really strive to understand life from their vantage point. The earlier you start this the better, and the less stress will live in your parent/child relationships.
One of the basic findings of developmental psychology is that 90% of what a child learns is modeled on the behavior of other people. More specifically, YOU, especially in the case of young children. In other words, Your child will learn to behave the way s/he sees you behave, not the way you tell him/her to behave. If you don’t want your child to grow into a person who hits, do not hit. If you don’t want your child to grow into a yeller, do not yell. If you want your child to treat you with respect, treat him/her with respect. Model “I’m sorry”, not “saving face”. Model “please” and “thank you”. Children will eventually pick all these things up from you, as long as these behaviors are the norm in your family. Trying to instill behaviors in your kids that you yourself do not demonstrate is worse than useless. Talking about behaviors that you yourself do not demonstrate just teaches kids that you are not trustworthy. i.e. You don’t do what you say you are going to do. “And if Mom and Dad don’t walk their talk, I guess there is an unspoken rule that its ok if I don’t either (just so long as I don’t get caught)”.
The most common lament of parents is that their children don’t respect them. “She doesn’t listen when I talk to her!!” The subtext of this statement is usually: “S/he won’t do what I tell him/her to do!” Your children hear you well enough. There is nothing wrong with the transfer of information or it’s receipt! But children are people, and they learn their listening skills from YOU. Treat your child with the consideration that you would give any other human being. (I do not mean by this that you should give your authority over to your child. I mean simply that you can listen and do your best to understand their experience of their world, through their own eyes, then take their views into account.) If you treat your kids with respect, they will learn respectful behavior from you.
That means not lying for any reason, saying “please”, not borrowing things without asking, respecting their privacy, not taking food off of their plates, listening to his/her side of the story, and not interrupting when they are talking to press your own point. It can also be helpful to get the child’s input before setting rules in stone, because if children feel they have had some collaborative role in the making of the rules and the consequences, they tend to feel a greater sense of ownership in their enforcement. If you want your kids to listen to you, you need to listen to them, really strive to understand life from their vantage point. The earlier you start this the better, and the less stress will live in your parent/child relationships.
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