On Letting Kids Be Kids
“It is the nature of childhood to be immature, and unable to control one’s impulses.
That’s what adults are for:
to help children deal with impulses they eventually learn to control themselves.”
- Eda LeShan
When our children are in the midst of a particularly difficult phase, or when they are exhibiting a particularly trying behavior, it is often hard to remember that kids eventually grow up, or to remember that a lot of undesirable behavior is normal at different developmental stages, and goes away by itself in time. Too much parental effort to control developmentally appropriate behavior can undermine a child’s confidence, and plant the seeds of an adversarial relationship lasting decades. One of the saddest things I witness in my role as a therapist is a parent trying to “train” a child to do something that s/he will be quite ready to do on his/her own in the normal developmental course of events. Trying to get a kid to do something before s/he is ready sometimes works, but it often turns a rich learning experience, that might emerge naturally in the normal course of events, into hard, frustrating work. Allowing a child to learn something when s/he is ready for the lesson, fosters a sense of mastery and trust-of-self within the child, rather than a sense of shame and ineptitude.
Whose side are we on?
Potty “training”, being “independent”, apologizing, saying “please” and “thank you”; these are all things that a child learns from watching parents modeling those behaviors. These are behaviors that children will eventually tend to emulate if they are part of the culture of your family. Pushing a child to do something s/he is not developmentally ready to do, or to do things that you yourself do not do, creates dissonance within the child’s psyche, making her/him feel like s/he is wrong or bad for being unable, or slow to, meet your expectations. Repetition of this experience can lay the foundation for lifelong feelings of shame and fear-of-failure, every time the individual is trying to learn something new. Regular frustrating and conflictual interactions between parent and child also begins an interactional pattern that can lead to a lifelong adversarial atmosphere within the relationship. Many people take for granted that the parent and child as “adversaries” is perfectly natural, “just the way things are”, but that is not, on the whole, the case. In fact, the arising of that dynamic in the relationship can take most of the fun out of parenting for years, even impact the level of closeness within the relationship all life long. In contrast, fostering the general feeling that “we are all on the same side” is the key to fun and easy parenting.
A few rules, very well enforced
Let me be clear. I am not saying that you should never disagree with your child. Sometimes disagreeing is not only inevitable, but is your responsibility. What I am saying is that minimizing opportunities for disagreement is in your best interest, and also that I suggest that you never, never, allow yourself to be drawn into an argument with your child. Arguing with children is not only a no-win situation for you, but it undermines your parental authority, and sets up adversarial dynamics in the relationship.
I do not advocate that you abdicate your parental role as the one “in charge” of the family. Clear hierarchy is an integral component of healthy family systems. Children need the adults in their lives to create clear boundaries that make sense, and to enforce those boundaries with manifest consistency. Your children do need you to be the boss, as you model your own internal controls, gently but firmly enforcing the norms of your family over and over again. But what are the norms that really matter? It’s not like either you, or your child, need “no” practice. I built my parental authority on just a few integral norms that felt worth enforcing, rules that did, or very soon would, make sense to even the smallest child: “We are gentle with each other, and the pets.” “We only draw on paper.” “We don’t run into the street.” “We ride in the car seat.” “When I call your name, you answer me.”
Except for defense against basic dangers, it is not the rules themselves that matter. What matters is that you do have some, and when you lay one down, the child can trust that you will back it up rigorously. First build the foundation of trust: a) Mom/Dad generally makes rules that make sense, and b) Mom/Dad keeps his/her word by always backing them up. Then as children evolve, so can the rules. These days my grade-school children are ready for additional rules like: “Get your stuff ready for school before you come to the breakfast table;” and, “When you take your clothes off, put them in the dirty-clothes basket.” Having become accustomed to listening to and following the simple rules laid down in early childhood, my kids are now habituated to going along with the new rules I periodically lay down on their paths towards civilization.
So ask yourself, “What is really important enough to hold the line around, important enough that I can’t wait until my kid gets it on her own, or with gentle suggestions and presented opportunities? The answer to that question will be different for each family. Are matching socks important? Is it really important that a child be out of diapers by the age of three? Is it really important that a child sit quietly at the table until everyone is finished, and eat all his/her food at one sitting, three times a day? We get hung up on so many things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. My nine year old son still wears unmatched socks on a regular basis. It doesn’t seem to have hampered him greatly in school, or in his quality of life.
Don’t Rush Things
Don’t go to fancy restaurants with two year olds! Most are not capable of sitting still, or being quiet. Don’t expect two three year olds to simultaneously share one toy. Most are not capable of it, and “taking turns” works much better. Most four and five year olds need some encouragement and company when it comes time to put away the toys before bed. All these “problems” ease with time, particularly when an adversarial atmosphere in the relationship is never allowed to develop. I can almost guarantee that by the time your child leaves home, s/he will be out of diapers. And with the passage of time, fidgety little people will develop the patience to sit through a complete family meal, even in a restaurant! Is it really worth the aggravation to spend energy fighting the things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things?
By the time your kid leaves for college, s/he will no longer want to wear that pink dress to school every day, or cry and cling to you when you drop her off somewhere, or want to sleep with you, or sing loudly at the art museum, or take off all his/her clothes and run around Gramma’s house yelling, “NAKED! NAKED!”. When that day comes, in fact, you may wish s/he still did.
One more thing: I just want to put in a plug for keeping things light. If we are having a terrible day at my house, and I can pull myself out of my internal downward spiral long enough to remember to joke about how silly we are all being (I AM the adult here, after all!), things get a whole lot better quickly. Shared laughter is the best healer for children AND grown-ups, and one of the best ways to help everyone remember that “we are all on the same side”.
“It is the nature of childhood to be immature, and unable to control one’s impulses.
That’s what adults are for:
to help children deal with impulses they eventually learn to control themselves.”
- Eda LeShan
When our children are in the midst of a particularly difficult phase, or when they are exhibiting a particularly trying behavior, it is often hard to remember that kids eventually grow up, or to remember that a lot of undesirable behavior is normal at different developmental stages, and goes away by itself in time. Too much parental effort to control developmentally appropriate behavior can undermine a child’s confidence, and plant the seeds of an adversarial relationship lasting decades. One of the saddest things I witness in my role as a therapist is a parent trying to “train” a child to do something that s/he will be quite ready to do on his/her own in the normal developmental course of events. Trying to get a kid to do something before s/he is ready sometimes works, but it often turns a rich learning experience, that might emerge naturally in the normal course of events, into hard, frustrating work. Allowing a child to learn something when s/he is ready for the lesson, fosters a sense of mastery and trust-of-self within the child, rather than a sense of shame and ineptitude.
Whose side are we on?
Potty “training”, being “independent”, apologizing, saying “please” and “thank you”; these are all things that a child learns from watching parents modeling those behaviors. These are behaviors that children will eventually tend to emulate if they are part of the culture of your family. Pushing a child to do something s/he is not developmentally ready to do, or to do things that you yourself do not do, creates dissonance within the child’s psyche, making her/him feel like s/he is wrong or bad for being unable, or slow to, meet your expectations. Repetition of this experience can lay the foundation for lifelong feelings of shame and fear-of-failure, every time the individual is trying to learn something new. Regular frustrating and conflictual interactions between parent and child also begins an interactional pattern that can lead to a lifelong adversarial atmosphere within the relationship. Many people take for granted that the parent and child as “adversaries” is perfectly natural, “just the way things are”, but that is not, on the whole, the case. In fact, the arising of that dynamic in the relationship can take most of the fun out of parenting for years, even impact the level of closeness within the relationship all life long. In contrast, fostering the general feeling that “we are all on the same side” is the key to fun and easy parenting.
A few rules, very well enforced
Let me be clear. I am not saying that you should never disagree with your child. Sometimes disagreeing is not only inevitable, but is your responsibility. What I am saying is that minimizing opportunities for disagreement is in your best interest, and also that I suggest that you never, never, allow yourself to be drawn into an argument with your child. Arguing with children is not only a no-win situation for you, but it undermines your parental authority, and sets up adversarial dynamics in the relationship.
I do not advocate that you abdicate your parental role as the one “in charge” of the family. Clear hierarchy is an integral component of healthy family systems. Children need the adults in their lives to create clear boundaries that make sense, and to enforce those boundaries with manifest consistency. Your children do need you to be the boss, as you model your own internal controls, gently but firmly enforcing the norms of your family over and over again. But what are the norms that really matter? It’s not like either you, or your child, need “no” practice. I built my parental authority on just a few integral norms that felt worth enforcing, rules that did, or very soon would, make sense to even the smallest child: “We are gentle with each other, and the pets.” “We only draw on paper.” “We don’t run into the street.” “We ride in the car seat.” “When I call your name, you answer me.”
Except for defense against basic dangers, it is not the rules themselves that matter. What matters is that you do have some, and when you lay one down, the child can trust that you will back it up rigorously. First build the foundation of trust: a) Mom/Dad generally makes rules that make sense, and b) Mom/Dad keeps his/her word by always backing them up. Then as children evolve, so can the rules. These days my grade-school children are ready for additional rules like: “Get your stuff ready for school before you come to the breakfast table;” and, “When you take your clothes off, put them in the dirty-clothes basket.” Having become accustomed to listening to and following the simple rules laid down in early childhood, my kids are now habituated to going along with the new rules I periodically lay down on their paths towards civilization.
So ask yourself, “What is really important enough to hold the line around, important enough that I can’t wait until my kid gets it on her own, or with gentle suggestions and presented opportunities? The answer to that question will be different for each family. Are matching socks important? Is it really important that a child be out of diapers by the age of three? Is it really important that a child sit quietly at the table until everyone is finished, and eat all his/her food at one sitting, three times a day? We get hung up on so many things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. My nine year old son still wears unmatched socks on a regular basis. It doesn’t seem to have hampered him greatly in school, or in his quality of life.
Don’t Rush Things
Don’t go to fancy restaurants with two year olds! Most are not capable of sitting still, or being quiet. Don’t expect two three year olds to simultaneously share one toy. Most are not capable of it, and “taking turns” works much better. Most four and five year olds need some encouragement and company when it comes time to put away the toys before bed. All these “problems” ease with time, particularly when an adversarial atmosphere in the relationship is never allowed to develop. I can almost guarantee that by the time your child leaves home, s/he will be out of diapers. And with the passage of time, fidgety little people will develop the patience to sit through a complete family meal, even in a restaurant! Is it really worth the aggravation to spend energy fighting the things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things?
By the time your kid leaves for college, s/he will no longer want to wear that pink dress to school every day, or cry and cling to you when you drop her off somewhere, or want to sleep with you, or sing loudly at the art museum, or take off all his/her clothes and run around Gramma’s house yelling, “NAKED! NAKED!”. When that day comes, in fact, you may wish s/he still did.
One more thing: I just want to put in a plug for keeping things light. If we are having a terrible day at my house, and I can pull myself out of my internal downward spiral long enough to remember to joke about how silly we are all being (I AM the adult here, after all!), things get a whole lot better quickly. Shared laughter is the best healer for children AND grown-ups, and one of the best ways to help everyone remember that “we are all on the same side”.
| gaelenbillingsley_kidsarekids.doc |