Talking to Kids About Death
My kids and I went to visit my grandmother recently. She is eighty-nine, and still holding together in all the important ways. My grandmother and I were having tea and chatting, when my six year old stopped his drawing, came over to her and said, “I never met your husband. Do you have a picture of him I could see? He’s dead now, right?” I remembered that I had been speaking to my son about my relationship with my grandfather, who died when I was in college, a few days prior. My grandmother considered his question, and then looked at me, as if she didn’t know how to handle the situation. She basically did not know whether it was going to be ok with me if she talked to my innocent child about scary things like death, and dead people. I was fine with it, of course, and nodded my permission.
My grandmother told my son that she had a lot of pictures of his great-grandfather in a book, and invited him to sit with her on the couch to see them. “Wow!” he said. “You have a lot of pictures of you guys dancing!” And there were. My grandparent’s laughing faces were perched over their twirling bodies in almost every shot. “Your great-grandfather loved to dance.”, she said. Then my grandmother began to cry. My son looked at her solemnly and with great stillness. He totally got it. He just sat with her, not saying anything. After a few moments, she came to herself and began to apologize to me for losing it. She was embarrassed, and thought it had been inappropriate to demonstrate those kinds of feelings in front of a child. I did not think so. I did not think so at all. In fact, I thanked her for the opportunity she had given my young son to learn more about such important things as life and death, love and grieving.
Many westerners have trouble talking about, dealing with, and acknowledging death. Most of us handle death in a really strange and unhealthy way. We hide from it; pretend that it doesn't exist; cover it with euphemisms. We pack the dying away where we don't have to see them. Americans don't die, they "pass on", or "away". The dead are whispered about; death hidden from us as children. I have a really good friend who won't even say the word "die" in front of her kids. She spells it. She doesn't want them to know about it, doesn't want to frighten them. I think that is just plain misguided! Mystifying death, hiding it and whispering about it is what causes and perpetuates the fear and unease that surrounds the subject. I grew up overseas, and to me the cultural attitudes westerners have towards death are unhealthy and incomprehensible. In cultures where they treat death as a normal everyday part of life, and the old and infirm are cared for at home, children are not frightened. They view death as a normal part of the continuum. Everyone does. When a beloved member of the family dies, they are laid right out on the kitchen table to be washed and dressed them for burial.
It is almost as if we as a culture have turned "dead" into a dirty word, a filthy little secret that we pretend does not exist. And what does that do to people who are in mourning? It is considered bad form to leak too much sorrow around other people, to “make” them uncomfortable by talking about our losses. We stuff our feelings instead. When people ask us how we are doing, we say "fine" even if we are dying inside. We are not allowed to wail and throw ourselves around, tearing our hair and clothes, expressing and working through the agonizing feelings of loss, as is done in many cultures. The price we pay for internalizing our feelings, is grief that often stays with us for years, nibbling away at us from the inside out.
When it comes to expressing grief around children, I have mixed feelings. Like many people, I have always leaned towards protecting my children from emotions that I might judge as too big for them to handle, but I am not sure that my attitude is not a result of my own cultural bias. Certainly, I think children should be protected from witnessing strong emotions that are acted out in inappropriate or violent ways, but I don't think that witnessing a person fully express his/her grief is damaging to children, as long as they have the opportunity to fully process the experience afterward with an understanding adult. It is also very important that the child understand that it is not his/her responsibility to "make" the adult feel better, or contain the pain of the grieving adult.
As a child, I witnessed some wild funerals in Latin America, me and all the other kids. Dramatic coffin scenes are par for the course in many countries. Were we traumatized as kids, or did we come away with a greater understanding of the depth and breadth of human emotion, human devotion? Probably, as with every other aspect of parenting, our judgment call as parents, is all about the individual child in the individual situation.
Grieving people have a right to freely express their feelings, rather than suppressing them. To fully express even difficult emotions is much healthier than suppressing them. The grieving have every right to talk about the loss, and share the richness of their loved ones lives’ without having to worry about burdening other people, or "making" them feel uncomfortable. We, in the role of witness, are responsible for our own feelings and reactions and when we have had enough it is our responsibility to speak that. To talk about ones who have been lost, keeps a part of them alive, and it is good for children to receive the gift of generational perspective. It is good for children to have the opportunity to be the comforters once and awhile too. It is good for all of us.
My kids and I went to visit my grandmother recently. She is eighty-nine, and still holding together in all the important ways. My grandmother and I were having tea and chatting, when my six year old stopped his drawing, came over to her and said, “I never met your husband. Do you have a picture of him I could see? He’s dead now, right?” I remembered that I had been speaking to my son about my relationship with my grandfather, who died when I was in college, a few days prior. My grandmother considered his question, and then looked at me, as if she didn’t know how to handle the situation. She basically did not know whether it was going to be ok with me if she talked to my innocent child about scary things like death, and dead people. I was fine with it, of course, and nodded my permission.
My grandmother told my son that she had a lot of pictures of his great-grandfather in a book, and invited him to sit with her on the couch to see them. “Wow!” he said. “You have a lot of pictures of you guys dancing!” And there were. My grandparent’s laughing faces were perched over their twirling bodies in almost every shot. “Your great-grandfather loved to dance.”, she said. Then my grandmother began to cry. My son looked at her solemnly and with great stillness. He totally got it. He just sat with her, not saying anything. After a few moments, she came to herself and began to apologize to me for losing it. She was embarrassed, and thought it had been inappropriate to demonstrate those kinds of feelings in front of a child. I did not think so. I did not think so at all. In fact, I thanked her for the opportunity she had given my young son to learn more about such important things as life and death, love and grieving.
Many westerners have trouble talking about, dealing with, and acknowledging death. Most of us handle death in a really strange and unhealthy way. We hide from it; pretend that it doesn't exist; cover it with euphemisms. We pack the dying away where we don't have to see them. Americans don't die, they "pass on", or "away". The dead are whispered about; death hidden from us as children. I have a really good friend who won't even say the word "die" in front of her kids. She spells it. She doesn't want them to know about it, doesn't want to frighten them. I think that is just plain misguided! Mystifying death, hiding it and whispering about it is what causes and perpetuates the fear and unease that surrounds the subject. I grew up overseas, and to me the cultural attitudes westerners have towards death are unhealthy and incomprehensible. In cultures where they treat death as a normal everyday part of life, and the old and infirm are cared for at home, children are not frightened. They view death as a normal part of the continuum. Everyone does. When a beloved member of the family dies, they are laid right out on the kitchen table to be washed and dressed them for burial.
It is almost as if we as a culture have turned "dead" into a dirty word, a filthy little secret that we pretend does not exist. And what does that do to people who are in mourning? It is considered bad form to leak too much sorrow around other people, to “make” them uncomfortable by talking about our losses. We stuff our feelings instead. When people ask us how we are doing, we say "fine" even if we are dying inside. We are not allowed to wail and throw ourselves around, tearing our hair and clothes, expressing and working through the agonizing feelings of loss, as is done in many cultures. The price we pay for internalizing our feelings, is grief that often stays with us for years, nibbling away at us from the inside out.
When it comes to expressing grief around children, I have mixed feelings. Like many people, I have always leaned towards protecting my children from emotions that I might judge as too big for them to handle, but I am not sure that my attitude is not a result of my own cultural bias. Certainly, I think children should be protected from witnessing strong emotions that are acted out in inappropriate or violent ways, but I don't think that witnessing a person fully express his/her grief is damaging to children, as long as they have the opportunity to fully process the experience afterward with an understanding adult. It is also very important that the child understand that it is not his/her responsibility to "make" the adult feel better, or contain the pain of the grieving adult.
As a child, I witnessed some wild funerals in Latin America, me and all the other kids. Dramatic coffin scenes are par for the course in many countries. Were we traumatized as kids, or did we come away with a greater understanding of the depth and breadth of human emotion, human devotion? Probably, as with every other aspect of parenting, our judgment call as parents, is all about the individual child in the individual situation.
Grieving people have a right to freely express their feelings, rather than suppressing them. To fully express even difficult emotions is much healthier than suppressing them. The grieving have every right to talk about the loss, and share the richness of their loved ones lives’ without having to worry about burdening other people, or "making" them feel uncomfortable. We, in the role of witness, are responsible for our own feelings and reactions and when we have had enough it is our responsibility to speak that. To talk about ones who have been lost, keeps a part of them alive, and it is good for children to receive the gift of generational perspective. It is good for children to have the opportunity to be the comforters once and awhile too. It is good for all of us.
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