The Trust Mythology
A common theme that has been showing up in my practice lately is the belief that one ought to be able to “trust” one’s partner. Cultural mythology around this belief runs very deep. It is voiced as follows: “If my partner really loves me...”
- I should be able to trust my partner not to “hurt” me.
- I should be able to trust my partner to always be there for me when I need him/her.
- I should be able to trust my partner to be on “my side.”
- I should be able to trust my partner to stay the person s/he was when we met.
- I should be able to trust my partner to keep agreements with me no matter what, and to never change his/her mind.
- I should be able to trust my partner never to leave the relationship.
Humans are flawed creatures.
All of these beliefs sound comforting, good, and even reasonable on paper. The trouble with them, however, is that our partners are, in most cases, human. Humans are flawed creatures. That makes us inherently untrustworthy. We make mistakes, every single one of us. Most of the time when we feel hurt within the context of a relationship, there was no intent to hurt on the part of our partner. We got hurt because the other person is being a human, and so are we.
Another factor in the inherently untrustworthiness of humanity at large, is our inability to remain the same over time. We change. We get sick. We learn new ways of being. We find our life-callings. It is not humanly possible to stay the same over time, even if that were desirable. We, each of us, live with a new partner every day of our lives, just as they live with a new us. Betrayals regarding wanting our partners to stay the people they were when we got together, wanting them never to change their minds, wanting them to always be there for us, and wanting them to always keep the agreements they make with us, fit into this category. It is not humanly possible to continue to grow and learn in this life, while remaining the same. And change is an unpredictable thing.
Speaking and hearing the things that matter most.
Exacerbating these difficulties is the struggle that most couples experience to exchange the messages that they most need to speak and hear. Human communication is rife with simple misunderstandings that get exacerbated by fear. Fear of judgment, fear of upsetting each other, fear of learning things we don’t really want to know, all of these prevent us from giving out complete information, or checking things out with one another when we need more information to form an accurate picture of what is going on. Fear prevents us from both seeking and releasing the information we most need to share, in order to form the clear paths to communication necessary for joyful, generative partnership. Courageous couples contest the fear, and build relationships on the foundational belief that being real is more important than being approved of; more important than “protecting” our partners from information that may disturb them.
The most common and erroneous belief that most people hold about intimate relationship is that we ought to be able to trust our partners not to “hurt” us. The expectation is that the ones we love should learn to know where our pains and insecurities live, and then, if they really love us, do back flips to keep from triggering our hurt. People actually do try to perform this function for one another, and then judge the success of relationships by how little they and their partners trigger each other. They tiptoe around touchy subjects, self-censor personal truths that their partners would find disturbing, and try not to trigger each other’s abandonment issues by getting the alone-time (personal development-time, fun-time) they need to feel at ease. The trouble is that not being the fullest most authentic you that you can be, fosters a sea of resentment, resentment that poisons the life and growth of relationships over time. Relationships split up every day because the crop of resentment, over having disconnected with one’s own authentic self-expression, killed the love within the relationship. This common cycle precipitates that ultimate expression of the “betrayal of trust” called: “I should be able to trust my partner not to hurt me,” when one or both partners leave the relationship, either physically, or emotionally.
You always have YOU!
Being left by one who was “committed” to us feels like the ultimate betrayal of trust. Shouldn’t we be able to trust that our partners will never leave us? We have been taught that the promise that we will never be abandoned is the point of making the commitment; ah... “safe” at last. Yet, if we trust in that promise, we set ourselves up for tragedy in every circumstance. Life happens. Just because your partner found God, or turned out gay (or straight), or decided they had to go join the New York Stock Exchange or the roving WTO protesters to be true to themselves, does not mean s/he never loved you. Nor does it mean that s/he is somehow a fundamentally different person than you thought. It just means that s/he changed in such a way that no longer allows the two of you to have the relationship you once had.
Furthermore, death happens. Ultimately, in every case, with every couple, either you will leave her, or s/he will leave you because everyone dies. That old saying about death and taxes? I think it should be changed to read: “Nothing is sure but death and change.” And though you, like most people, may be in denial about the death of a partner, it could happen this afternoon. “Well, that’s pretty depressing!”, I can hear you say. Is it? You have you. You always have you. As soon as you forget that and pin your happiness onto some particular other person, you are setting yourself up. Sooner or later suffering is going to come knocking.
Trust you CAN expect and embody
Then what place does trust have in loving relationships? What should we be able to expect from our partners?
You should be able to trust that your partner’s intention towards you is loving and positive, that s/he is loving you in the moment the best way s/he knows how. You should be able to trust that your partner wants to see and know you for who you really are, even as you grow and change. You should be able to trust that your partner is bringing the best self s/he is able to express to the relationship, the best self, given what s/he knows at this point in his or her life. You have a right to expect that s/he would never intentionally seek to cause you harm or cause you pain. You should be able to expect that s/he will be generally courteous, kind, and do his or her best to keep the agreements you make together.
Finally, and this may be the most problematic for many people because it flies directly in the face of the “I should be able to trust my partner not to hurt me” mythology, you should be able to trust that your partner will tell you what is true for her/him about the relationship rather than holding back the vital information you need to make informed choices about the relationship. Truth telling, and authentic personal disclosure, form the foundation of deep intimacy and generative relationship, as well as creating the external pressure we each need to learn to manage our feelings from the inside, so outside pressures become no longer able to rule our sense of inner well-being.
If you can’t trust your partner’s loving intention, or s/he doesn’t tell you the truth, or s/he does not bring to the relationship the best self of which s/he is capable, my question to you is, why would you stay? Is it because you made the commitment, and don’t want to be a person who would betray your partner’s “trust” and leave, even though you are in a situation that does not nourish you, or foster your happiness?
What if you could trust yourself not to pursue any relationship that was harmful to you? And what if the true meaning of “commitment” is to promise oneself that “I will bring my whole self to my partner in the cleanest, fullest, most authentic way of which I am capable, while remaining forever loyal to my inner truth, in each and every moment we are together?"
A common theme that has been showing up in my practice lately is the belief that one ought to be able to “trust” one’s partner. Cultural mythology around this belief runs very deep. It is voiced as follows: “If my partner really loves me...”
- I should be able to trust my partner not to “hurt” me.
- I should be able to trust my partner to always be there for me when I need him/her.
- I should be able to trust my partner to be on “my side.”
- I should be able to trust my partner to stay the person s/he was when we met.
- I should be able to trust my partner to keep agreements with me no matter what, and to never change his/her mind.
- I should be able to trust my partner never to leave the relationship.
Humans are flawed creatures.
All of these beliefs sound comforting, good, and even reasonable on paper. The trouble with them, however, is that our partners are, in most cases, human. Humans are flawed creatures. That makes us inherently untrustworthy. We make mistakes, every single one of us. Most of the time when we feel hurt within the context of a relationship, there was no intent to hurt on the part of our partner. We got hurt because the other person is being a human, and so are we.
Another factor in the inherently untrustworthiness of humanity at large, is our inability to remain the same over time. We change. We get sick. We learn new ways of being. We find our life-callings. It is not humanly possible to stay the same over time, even if that were desirable. We, each of us, live with a new partner every day of our lives, just as they live with a new us. Betrayals regarding wanting our partners to stay the people they were when we got together, wanting them never to change their minds, wanting them to always be there for us, and wanting them to always keep the agreements they make with us, fit into this category. It is not humanly possible to continue to grow and learn in this life, while remaining the same. And change is an unpredictable thing.
Speaking and hearing the things that matter most.
Exacerbating these difficulties is the struggle that most couples experience to exchange the messages that they most need to speak and hear. Human communication is rife with simple misunderstandings that get exacerbated by fear. Fear of judgment, fear of upsetting each other, fear of learning things we don’t really want to know, all of these prevent us from giving out complete information, or checking things out with one another when we need more information to form an accurate picture of what is going on. Fear prevents us from both seeking and releasing the information we most need to share, in order to form the clear paths to communication necessary for joyful, generative partnership. Courageous couples contest the fear, and build relationships on the foundational belief that being real is more important than being approved of; more important than “protecting” our partners from information that may disturb them.
The most common and erroneous belief that most people hold about intimate relationship is that we ought to be able to trust our partners not to “hurt” us. The expectation is that the ones we love should learn to know where our pains and insecurities live, and then, if they really love us, do back flips to keep from triggering our hurt. People actually do try to perform this function for one another, and then judge the success of relationships by how little they and their partners trigger each other. They tiptoe around touchy subjects, self-censor personal truths that their partners would find disturbing, and try not to trigger each other’s abandonment issues by getting the alone-time (personal development-time, fun-time) they need to feel at ease. The trouble is that not being the fullest most authentic you that you can be, fosters a sea of resentment, resentment that poisons the life and growth of relationships over time. Relationships split up every day because the crop of resentment, over having disconnected with one’s own authentic self-expression, killed the love within the relationship. This common cycle precipitates that ultimate expression of the “betrayal of trust” called: “I should be able to trust my partner not to hurt me,” when one or both partners leave the relationship, either physically, or emotionally.
You always have YOU!
Being left by one who was “committed” to us feels like the ultimate betrayal of trust. Shouldn’t we be able to trust that our partners will never leave us? We have been taught that the promise that we will never be abandoned is the point of making the commitment; ah... “safe” at last. Yet, if we trust in that promise, we set ourselves up for tragedy in every circumstance. Life happens. Just because your partner found God, or turned out gay (or straight), or decided they had to go join the New York Stock Exchange or the roving WTO protesters to be true to themselves, does not mean s/he never loved you. Nor does it mean that s/he is somehow a fundamentally different person than you thought. It just means that s/he changed in such a way that no longer allows the two of you to have the relationship you once had.
Furthermore, death happens. Ultimately, in every case, with every couple, either you will leave her, or s/he will leave you because everyone dies. That old saying about death and taxes? I think it should be changed to read: “Nothing is sure but death and change.” And though you, like most people, may be in denial about the death of a partner, it could happen this afternoon. “Well, that’s pretty depressing!”, I can hear you say. Is it? You have you. You always have you. As soon as you forget that and pin your happiness onto some particular other person, you are setting yourself up. Sooner or later suffering is going to come knocking.
Trust you CAN expect and embody
Then what place does trust have in loving relationships? What should we be able to expect from our partners?
You should be able to trust that your partner’s intention towards you is loving and positive, that s/he is loving you in the moment the best way s/he knows how. You should be able to trust that your partner wants to see and know you for who you really are, even as you grow and change. You should be able to trust that your partner is bringing the best self s/he is able to express to the relationship, the best self, given what s/he knows at this point in his or her life. You have a right to expect that s/he would never intentionally seek to cause you harm or cause you pain. You should be able to expect that s/he will be generally courteous, kind, and do his or her best to keep the agreements you make together.
Finally, and this may be the most problematic for many people because it flies directly in the face of the “I should be able to trust my partner not to hurt me” mythology, you should be able to trust that your partner will tell you what is true for her/him about the relationship rather than holding back the vital information you need to make informed choices about the relationship. Truth telling, and authentic personal disclosure, form the foundation of deep intimacy and generative relationship, as well as creating the external pressure we each need to learn to manage our feelings from the inside, so outside pressures become no longer able to rule our sense of inner well-being.
If you can’t trust your partner’s loving intention, or s/he doesn’t tell you the truth, or s/he does not bring to the relationship the best self of which s/he is capable, my question to you is, why would you stay? Is it because you made the commitment, and don’t want to be a person who would betray your partner’s “trust” and leave, even though you are in a situation that does not nourish you, or foster your happiness?
What if you could trust yourself not to pursue any relationship that was harmful to you? And what if the true meaning of “commitment” is to promise oneself that “I will bring my whole self to my partner in the cleanest, fullest, most authentic way of which I am capable, while remaining forever loyal to my inner truth, in each and every moment we are together?"
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