Three Steps to Freedom
One theme that crops up a lot for clients in my practice is a feeling of entrapment, and the desire to be “free.” The feeling tends to be accompanied by a sense of powerlessness and an inability to see options for positive change. People feel trapped by jobs, relationships, family expectations, addictions, and old ways of being that don’t seem escapable. “I can’t help myself! It’s just the way I am!” They adopt all sorts of strategies to get free, or at least distract themselves so they can temporarily mask the sense of entrapment.
Escape Does Not Equal Freedom
Many people have learned to equate movement with freedom. “Nothing sticks to me, if I keep moving” is the hope. So every time a life or relationship situation becomes untenable, the person with this type of coping-strategy dumps the offending situation and moves on. Yet every place the individual goes for a fresh start, s/he brings his/her way of being with her/him, and it is not long before s/he creates the same dynamic, the same system for his/herself in the new place, or with the new person. Sometimes my clients express that they have the sensation of being stuck in a repeating dream - playing old patterns over and over again - helpless to change the ending.
Alternatively, some escape the feeling of entrapment by over-programming their lives. They don’t physically leave the offending relationship, city, or job, they just never stop moving period. They live life as if always running from something, as if the way not to drown is to keep eyes forward, and feet moving. For many, filling lives up with a million commitments that never allow a moment for quiet self-reflection, is the only way they know to outrun depression, obsessive thought patterns, and internal voices, or sometimes the only way to feel as if they are making some progress in their lives.
Addiction to newness is another closely aligned coping strategy some employ to combat entrapment. With this strategy, when an individual begins to feel itchy with the powerlessness to create the life experience or self they really want, they tend to spend money, buy stuff for other people, or get new toys to distract themselves. “If I can’t get what I really want, at least I can give myself something new to look at, play with, or wear!”
“The rebel” is one who fancies him/herself highly autonomous, but who is actually as trapped as anyone who allows pressure from an outside force to direct his/her actions. A life directed out of resistance to “the man”, or your parents, or the government, or anything else you don’t want, rather than a life built from a clear awareness of what you DO want, is not a life of freedom. Though the “rebel” labors under the illusion that the only thing s/he needs to do to be free is to oppose the whomever is above them in the hierarchy, s/he still creates a life that is dictated by whatever outside system or person s/he is opposing, rather than their own inner vision.
A restless sense of boredom is often what people express they feel when they are trapped but haven’t been able to pinpoint the source of the problem. Many people turn to escapism to run from a life they don’t know they have the power to change, and they develop addictive patterns around their use of: alcohol, drugs, food, television, video games, gambling, and/or pornography. Some clients express that the only time they feel free to say what they really think, is when they are “loaded.” And I have heard many say that the only time their inner voices stop judging and poking at them, is when they are absorbed by media, or on drugs, etc.
I maintain that not only are all the above strategies ineffective methods for escaping when life feels like a trap, but most, in fact, help create the feeling of entrapment or make it stronger. So what does being “free” really look like then? What is the power to create a life you want? Where does it come from?
Real freedom is most closely related to a new way of being with yourself, rather than a new way of doing things in the world. It requires that you free yourself of attachments to three things:
1) your unhappy-life story and judgment about your past, 2) the artificial image you project to avoid judgment from yourself and others in the present, and 3) your fantasy that with enough of the right kind of the planning or action, you can avoid discomfort in the future.
Freedom from the past
Almost everyone I know is deeply attached to the stories they tell of their lives, and the meaning they make of the stories. Identities tend to be created as much out of the meaning we make of the things that happen to us, as the things themselves. “I am a shy person because when I was in the second grade, my teacher made us read in front of the class.” “I am bad with money because my parents never taught me how to manage it.” “I treat my partner like a child because my Mom was an alcoholic and I had to be the parent in that relationship.” “I have problems with arousal because I was molested as a child.”
While it may ostensibly be true that the bad things that have happened to you in life can have a negative impact on you now, there are plenty of people who were laughed at as children who don’t end up shy, and lots who are good with money but had to figure that out on their own. There are children of alcoholics who don’t treat their spouses like children, and many people who were abused as kids go on to have very satisfying and wonderful physical relationships in their adult lives. In my experience, the most telling factor in a person’s ability to heal themselves of a troubled past, is the capacity to let go of the identity s/he has made from it, and create a new strength-based one. The trouble is, most people are more attached to their identities than their desire to be free.
Letting go of the past as a reason for current unhappiness feels to many like a betrayal of the self, as if, “If I let go of my attachment to my story and stop reliving my victimization, I will have suffered for nothing!” “Who would I be if I stopped clinging to the fact that I was wounded?!” Having the opportunity to fall back on the past as a reason for being unhappy now is also difficult to let go of. Having been victimized in the past, is the perfect prop to fall back on when it feels too risky to try to get what you want now. And it is the perfect reason not to risk trying again when you don’t get what you want the first time you try. But blaming the past for your unhappiness keeps you trapped back there, as you replay the script of your victimization over and over again in the present, through the negative way in which you interpret what happens to you, the unconscious way in which you respond to people, and the manner in which you always expect to be victimized because you always have been. This is not the same thing as me saying “Your screwed-up life is your fault.” What I am advocating is your acceptance of the idea that though in the past you have created your experience of life unconsciously, you can begin to change the life you have now by creating it more consciously.
What if you are born new in every moment - and every moment you have an opportunity to be with yourself and the world in a new way? Are you dragging the heavy bag of your past behind you on a choking cord around your neck? Are you fixated on the injustice you once suffered, or perhaps weighed down with shame and self-recrimination for past wrongs you yourself perpetrated? If you have hurt someone, apologize, make amends, then let it go. What would it be like to set all of that that down and be who you are right now? If you really want to be free, you must be willing to face life without the identity of a person who has been so abused and wronged that you are permanently damaged. Cut the cord.
Freedom in the Present
So many people are organized around the need to be approved of by others. Moving towards a greater sense of freedom in the present generally requires that individuals release their attachment to the judgment the outside world has of them, and the fantasy that they have any control over that. Are you still trying to prove to a father who is impossible to please, that you “have what it takes”? Are you mired down in the legacy of your partner’s cheating ex, trying to convince your partner that you are trustworthy? Are you trying to prove to your mother that you do love her, when she is dragging a story around from her childhood that she is not lovable, and can not a hear a word you say until she is willing to set that story down? Not only do you have little power to impact the way that people see you, but they have their own reasons for wanting to view you the way they do. Your father will never allow himself to notice that you have what it takes until he is able to set down his own story that he himself does not. Your partner will never believe you are trustworthy until s/he is trustworthy, or perhaps until s/he feels worthy of you, or realizes s/he would not die without you, or… or… Your mother has an unconscious vested interest in refusing to absorb your expressions of caring if she feels unlovable: one - because her position validates the meaning she makes of her own victimized past; and two - because as long as you keep trying unsuccessfully to convince her, she feels as if she has some hold on you.
What do you know about your self? Who are you really? Where are you censoring your true expression of self in order to gain outside approval, or avoid conflict, or keep from hurting people’s feelings. The people around you are highly effective when it comes to unconsciously getting you to behave the way they want or expect you to. Where are you playing a role in someone else’s script? What script would you would write if you let go of your own self-judgment, and your need for outside validation, in favor of being sourced from within, manifesting your true self, and creating the life you actually want.
Freedom from a Fantasy Future
Third and last in the quest for freedom is learning to release the fantasy that you have the power to avoid future pain or discomfort with enough foresight and the right kind of planning. Western culture is rife with this sort of reasoning. We, as a culture believe that we have a right to a pain-free existence, and if we are experiencing discomfort, there must be something wrong.
In fact, pain is an integral part of life. And no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of your precious life-energy you spend trying to avoid it, pain will find you now and then.
Most pain can be fairly well managed unless you are clinging to a story from your past that you can’t handle it, or a story that says you, personally, are a target for more than your share. Attachment to the belief that you can avoid pain causes much of the sense of entrapment I address in this article: the fear of making choices. People are so fearful of making mistakes or bad choices that they tend to put choices off, or let other people make their choices for them. Some people are so fixated on disaster and obsessed with trying to avoid future bad things, that they get trapped by anxiety within the prisons of their own minds, and feel paralyzed most of the time.
What if you were to make choices about your future based on what interests and excites you, rather than what frightens you? What if you were to accept as part of your identity that you are a person who can handle what life throws at you without being swayed from your chosen course? What if you were to give yourself permission to not like your choice and change your mind, and try new paths, and change your mind again?
Want to be free? Don’t live a life that is all about: trying to figure out what you did wrong, blaming the past for who you are now, how to make other people happy with you, and how you can avoid not making further mistakes. Pick the elements of the life you want, put them together and live it!
***
Quotes:
Real love can be recognized within my Self, when I notice that the value I hold for my Beloved manifesting who s/he really is, is higher than the attachment I have to my Beloved being what I want/need him/her to be, or being the way I insist that s/he is.
Every woman should know that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
One theme that crops up a lot for clients in my practice is a feeling of entrapment, and the desire to be “free.” The feeling tends to be accompanied by a sense of powerlessness and an inability to see options for positive change. People feel trapped by jobs, relationships, family expectations, addictions, and old ways of being that don’t seem escapable. “I can’t help myself! It’s just the way I am!” They adopt all sorts of strategies to get free, or at least distract themselves so they can temporarily mask the sense of entrapment.
Escape Does Not Equal Freedom
Many people have learned to equate movement with freedom. “Nothing sticks to me, if I keep moving” is the hope. So every time a life or relationship situation becomes untenable, the person with this type of coping-strategy dumps the offending situation and moves on. Yet every place the individual goes for a fresh start, s/he brings his/her way of being with her/him, and it is not long before s/he creates the same dynamic, the same system for his/herself in the new place, or with the new person. Sometimes my clients express that they have the sensation of being stuck in a repeating dream - playing old patterns over and over again - helpless to change the ending.
Alternatively, some escape the feeling of entrapment by over-programming their lives. They don’t physically leave the offending relationship, city, or job, they just never stop moving period. They live life as if always running from something, as if the way not to drown is to keep eyes forward, and feet moving. For many, filling lives up with a million commitments that never allow a moment for quiet self-reflection, is the only way they know to outrun depression, obsessive thought patterns, and internal voices, or sometimes the only way to feel as if they are making some progress in their lives.
Addiction to newness is another closely aligned coping strategy some employ to combat entrapment. With this strategy, when an individual begins to feel itchy with the powerlessness to create the life experience or self they really want, they tend to spend money, buy stuff for other people, or get new toys to distract themselves. “If I can’t get what I really want, at least I can give myself something new to look at, play with, or wear!”
“The rebel” is one who fancies him/herself highly autonomous, but who is actually as trapped as anyone who allows pressure from an outside force to direct his/her actions. A life directed out of resistance to “the man”, or your parents, or the government, or anything else you don’t want, rather than a life built from a clear awareness of what you DO want, is not a life of freedom. Though the “rebel” labors under the illusion that the only thing s/he needs to do to be free is to oppose the whomever is above them in the hierarchy, s/he still creates a life that is dictated by whatever outside system or person s/he is opposing, rather than their own inner vision.
A restless sense of boredom is often what people express they feel when they are trapped but haven’t been able to pinpoint the source of the problem. Many people turn to escapism to run from a life they don’t know they have the power to change, and they develop addictive patterns around their use of: alcohol, drugs, food, television, video games, gambling, and/or pornography. Some clients express that the only time they feel free to say what they really think, is when they are “loaded.” And I have heard many say that the only time their inner voices stop judging and poking at them, is when they are absorbed by media, or on drugs, etc.
I maintain that not only are all the above strategies ineffective methods for escaping when life feels like a trap, but most, in fact, help create the feeling of entrapment or make it stronger. So what does being “free” really look like then? What is the power to create a life you want? Where does it come from?
Real freedom is most closely related to a new way of being with yourself, rather than a new way of doing things in the world. It requires that you free yourself of attachments to three things:
1) your unhappy-life story and judgment about your past, 2) the artificial image you project to avoid judgment from yourself and others in the present, and 3) your fantasy that with enough of the right kind of the planning or action, you can avoid discomfort in the future.
Freedom from the past
Almost everyone I know is deeply attached to the stories they tell of their lives, and the meaning they make of the stories. Identities tend to be created as much out of the meaning we make of the things that happen to us, as the things themselves. “I am a shy person because when I was in the second grade, my teacher made us read in front of the class.” “I am bad with money because my parents never taught me how to manage it.” “I treat my partner like a child because my Mom was an alcoholic and I had to be the parent in that relationship.” “I have problems with arousal because I was molested as a child.”
While it may ostensibly be true that the bad things that have happened to you in life can have a negative impact on you now, there are plenty of people who were laughed at as children who don’t end up shy, and lots who are good with money but had to figure that out on their own. There are children of alcoholics who don’t treat their spouses like children, and many people who were abused as kids go on to have very satisfying and wonderful physical relationships in their adult lives. In my experience, the most telling factor in a person’s ability to heal themselves of a troubled past, is the capacity to let go of the identity s/he has made from it, and create a new strength-based one. The trouble is, most people are more attached to their identities than their desire to be free.
Letting go of the past as a reason for current unhappiness feels to many like a betrayal of the self, as if, “If I let go of my attachment to my story and stop reliving my victimization, I will have suffered for nothing!” “Who would I be if I stopped clinging to the fact that I was wounded?!” Having the opportunity to fall back on the past as a reason for being unhappy now is also difficult to let go of. Having been victimized in the past, is the perfect prop to fall back on when it feels too risky to try to get what you want now. And it is the perfect reason not to risk trying again when you don’t get what you want the first time you try. But blaming the past for your unhappiness keeps you trapped back there, as you replay the script of your victimization over and over again in the present, through the negative way in which you interpret what happens to you, the unconscious way in which you respond to people, and the manner in which you always expect to be victimized because you always have been. This is not the same thing as me saying “Your screwed-up life is your fault.” What I am advocating is your acceptance of the idea that though in the past you have created your experience of life unconsciously, you can begin to change the life you have now by creating it more consciously.
What if you are born new in every moment - and every moment you have an opportunity to be with yourself and the world in a new way? Are you dragging the heavy bag of your past behind you on a choking cord around your neck? Are you fixated on the injustice you once suffered, or perhaps weighed down with shame and self-recrimination for past wrongs you yourself perpetrated? If you have hurt someone, apologize, make amends, then let it go. What would it be like to set all of that that down and be who you are right now? If you really want to be free, you must be willing to face life without the identity of a person who has been so abused and wronged that you are permanently damaged. Cut the cord.
Freedom in the Present
So many people are organized around the need to be approved of by others. Moving towards a greater sense of freedom in the present generally requires that individuals release their attachment to the judgment the outside world has of them, and the fantasy that they have any control over that. Are you still trying to prove to a father who is impossible to please, that you “have what it takes”? Are you mired down in the legacy of your partner’s cheating ex, trying to convince your partner that you are trustworthy? Are you trying to prove to your mother that you do love her, when she is dragging a story around from her childhood that she is not lovable, and can not a hear a word you say until she is willing to set that story down? Not only do you have little power to impact the way that people see you, but they have their own reasons for wanting to view you the way they do. Your father will never allow himself to notice that you have what it takes until he is able to set down his own story that he himself does not. Your partner will never believe you are trustworthy until s/he is trustworthy, or perhaps until s/he feels worthy of you, or realizes s/he would not die without you, or… or… Your mother has an unconscious vested interest in refusing to absorb your expressions of caring if she feels unlovable: one - because her position validates the meaning she makes of her own victimized past; and two - because as long as you keep trying unsuccessfully to convince her, she feels as if she has some hold on you.
What do you know about your self? Who are you really? Where are you censoring your true expression of self in order to gain outside approval, or avoid conflict, or keep from hurting people’s feelings. The people around you are highly effective when it comes to unconsciously getting you to behave the way they want or expect you to. Where are you playing a role in someone else’s script? What script would you would write if you let go of your own self-judgment, and your need for outside validation, in favor of being sourced from within, manifesting your true self, and creating the life you actually want.
Freedom from a Fantasy Future
Third and last in the quest for freedom is learning to release the fantasy that you have the power to avoid future pain or discomfort with enough foresight and the right kind of planning. Western culture is rife with this sort of reasoning. We, as a culture believe that we have a right to a pain-free existence, and if we are experiencing discomfort, there must be something wrong.
In fact, pain is an integral part of life. And no matter how hard you try, no matter how much of your precious life-energy you spend trying to avoid it, pain will find you now and then.
Most pain can be fairly well managed unless you are clinging to a story from your past that you can’t handle it, or a story that says you, personally, are a target for more than your share. Attachment to the belief that you can avoid pain causes much of the sense of entrapment I address in this article: the fear of making choices. People are so fearful of making mistakes or bad choices that they tend to put choices off, or let other people make their choices for them. Some people are so fixated on disaster and obsessed with trying to avoid future bad things, that they get trapped by anxiety within the prisons of their own minds, and feel paralyzed most of the time.
What if you were to make choices about your future based on what interests and excites you, rather than what frightens you? What if you were to accept as part of your identity that you are a person who can handle what life throws at you without being swayed from your chosen course? What if you were to give yourself permission to not like your choice and change your mind, and try new paths, and change your mind again?
Want to be free? Don’t live a life that is all about: trying to figure out what you did wrong, blaming the past for who you are now, how to make other people happy with you, and how you can avoid not making further mistakes. Pick the elements of the life you want, put them together and live it!
***
Quotes:
Real love can be recognized within my Self, when I notice that the value I hold for my Beloved manifesting who s/he really is, is higher than the attachment I have to my Beloved being what I want/need him/her to be, or being the way I insist that s/he is.
Every woman should know that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
| gaelenbillingsley_movinaroundfree.doc |