"Checking Assumptions" Tool : For Removing Misunderstandings
Much of the time when we feel upset by something that another person has said or done, it is because the meaning/understanding we make, of their words or actions has been interpreted by us in a way that the other did not intend. In other words, the stories we tell ourselves about the things that other people do, usually hurt us a lot more than the things themselves, and certainly more than the other person intended.
"Checking assumptions" is a tool you can use when you want to eliminate a barrier or misunderstanding between you and another person that has arisen out of your thoughts/feelings/perceptions/stories about the words or actions of the other. Even if you discover through the use of the tool that your fears were accurate, checking your assumptions opens the door for further communication that allows for the possibility that discord may be resolved. Keeping silent and never checking out your stories and assumptions is a sure way to keep upset and discord unresolved. You have nothing to lose by checking out your stories, because you already feel and behave as if your stories are true, even if you have never checked them out.
"Checking assumptions" looks like this:
I feel _________________________________(sad, glad, angry, scared etc)
Because when you________________________ (SINGLE EVENT, SPECIFIC behavior/words)
I thought you were meaning this __________________________ (your story about the event)
Would you tell me ______________________(What was really going on with you about that?)
(Or state clearly, without blaming, what you do want.)
Examples:
A) I feel nervous
because you didn't acknowledge me when I walked into the room.
I started wondering if it means you are angry with me.
Would you tell me what was really going on with you when I walked in the room?
B) I feel angry
because you asked me to change the baby , but then hovered over me giving advice while I was doing it.
When you did that I thought it meant that you believe I am incompetent.
And what I would want to hear from you is that you know I am competent.
C) I feel sad
because first you said you wanted to spend the evening with me and then made other plans.
I am afraid that means you don't care about me.
Would you tell me what meaning you would make of what happened?
Tips:
1. Before you begin, ask permission to check something out with the other person. This gives them some space to get prepared and not feel pounced on.
2. When you state your feeling make certain it is a feeling not a thought. "I feel like you don't care about me" is not a feeling. It is a thought, a "meaning story" you have made up, and belongs on the next line. Feelings are things l like: mad, sad, glad, scared, nervous, excited, frustrated. If you say "I feel" and then follow it with the word "like", what comes out is not going to be a "feeling statement".
3. When you report on the thing you are feeling upset about, use ONE, SPECIFIC, example not a generalization or history of behavior. For example don't say "EVERY TIME you do that" or "You ALWAYS do say this when I do that." Using one specific example/event that the other person can remember, gives the other something concrete to respond to, and is also less likely to generate defensiveness.
4. Use a tone of voice that is curious and non-accusatory. The less you sound as if you are trying to pounce on the other and/or make them seem like your persecutor, the more likely it is that you will get the result that you want from the exchange.
5. Thank the other person for participating when it's all over, whether you like the outcome or not. Whether you like the outcome or not, it is a blessing when another person is open to trying to hear us. Pat yourself on the back too. It is a rare thing in our culture for people to make themselves vulnerable to speaking their fears and hearing the truth of another.
Much of the time when we feel upset by something that another person has said or done, it is because the meaning/understanding we make, of their words or actions has been interpreted by us in a way that the other did not intend. In other words, the stories we tell ourselves about the things that other people do, usually hurt us a lot more than the things themselves, and certainly more than the other person intended.
"Checking assumptions" is a tool you can use when you want to eliminate a barrier or misunderstanding between you and another person that has arisen out of your thoughts/feelings/perceptions/stories about the words or actions of the other. Even if you discover through the use of the tool that your fears were accurate, checking your assumptions opens the door for further communication that allows for the possibility that discord may be resolved. Keeping silent and never checking out your stories and assumptions is a sure way to keep upset and discord unresolved. You have nothing to lose by checking out your stories, because you already feel and behave as if your stories are true, even if you have never checked them out.
"Checking assumptions" looks like this:
I feel _________________________________(sad, glad, angry, scared etc)
Because when you________________________ (SINGLE EVENT, SPECIFIC behavior/words)
I thought you were meaning this __________________________ (your story about the event)
Would you tell me ______________________(What was really going on with you about that?)
(Or state clearly, without blaming, what you do want.)
Examples:
A) I feel nervous
because you didn't acknowledge me when I walked into the room.
I started wondering if it means you are angry with me.
Would you tell me what was really going on with you when I walked in the room?
B) I feel angry
because you asked me to change the baby , but then hovered over me giving advice while I was doing it.
When you did that I thought it meant that you believe I am incompetent.
And what I would want to hear from you is that you know I am competent.
C) I feel sad
because first you said you wanted to spend the evening with me and then made other plans.
I am afraid that means you don't care about me.
Would you tell me what meaning you would make of what happened?
Tips:
1. Before you begin, ask permission to check something out with the other person. This gives them some space to get prepared and not feel pounced on.
2. When you state your feeling make certain it is a feeling not a thought. "I feel like you don't care about me" is not a feeling. It is a thought, a "meaning story" you have made up, and belongs on the next line. Feelings are things l like: mad, sad, glad, scared, nervous, excited, frustrated. If you say "I feel" and then follow it with the word "like", what comes out is not going to be a "feeling statement".
3. When you report on the thing you are feeling upset about, use ONE, SPECIFIC, example not a generalization or history of behavior. For example don't say "EVERY TIME you do that" or "You ALWAYS do say this when I do that." Using one specific example/event that the other person can remember, gives the other something concrete to respond to, and is also less likely to generate defensiveness.
4. Use a tone of voice that is curious and non-accusatory. The less you sound as if you are trying to pounce on the other and/or make them seem like your persecutor, the more likely it is that you will get the result that you want from the exchange.
5. Thank the other person for participating when it's all over, whether you like the outcome or not. Whether you like the outcome or not, it is a blessing when another person is open to trying to hear us. Pat yourself on the back too. It is a rare thing in our culture for people to make themselves vulnerable to speaking their fears and hearing the truth of another.

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