On Your Relationship: Telling the Truth
Are you experiencing the kind of depth, and vitality that you want in your primary relationship? Are you finding that you and your partner are excited to connect with one another deeply, or are there things that get in the way? “We don’t have time.” is a common theme, or “S/he is not the person I married.” How is it that we drift away from the juice that was present in our relationship when it was new? “That’s just what happens.”, is the cultural mythology we are raised with. But in fact, your partner IS the person you married, and if creating a vibrant juicy partnership with your beloved is not at the top of your priority list, what is?!
We unconsciously choose the partner who most challenges us to grow, the one who will best fuel our evolution, unless we chicken out, that is. In this very moment you have just the relationship you need. You can either step up and do the work, or you can step out, metaphorically or literally, and let the greatest learning opportunity of your life slide by the wayside.
Do you want passion and life back in your relationship? The place to start is truth-telling. Tell your whole truth and nothing but your truth, while compassionately owning that your truth is your responsibility. Do not expect your partner to understand or agree with you. That is not fair or even possible, most of the time. S/he is living in his/her own view of reality and there is no capitol “T” truth, only the truth of your experience for you from your point of view. Thriving couples, couples full of joy and energy, have very permeable boundaries when it comes to authentic communication. They are willing to share their authentic internal experience with one another with the understanding that any negative opinion from the partner does not define the self, but is simply information. Thriving partners are able to hold onto their centers in the face of judgment or pressure from each other, and not compromise their wants, so resentments do not fester and grow into the harvest of silence that plagues so many couples after just a few years together.
Telling the truth is a rare and scary experience in our culture. “What will my partner think of me!?” “What if s/he is angry/hurt/disappointed!!?” “What if our relationship can’t handle the truth!?” To that I answer: if your partner doesn’t know what is really going on with you, s/he is not actually having a relationship with you at all. S/he is having a relationship with the image you display. You want to know why your relationship feels flat and frustrating? Your partner is actually having a relationship with your image, while all the time you are trying to connect with his/hers. Imagine how raw and sexy it would be if you actually met each other’s naked, real selves one day. That’s where the juice is, risky as it seems. Oh, and don’t expect your partner to like it for quite awhile. Expect your partner to kick and scream and push all your buttons before s/he learns to love it. Hold on to yourself without apologizing or defending, without getting reactive, with the faith that real connection, real passionate relationship is worth the temporary storm. You have the power to revitalize your relationship if you have the guts to hold on to your truth. In words of celebrated family therapist Jim Framo: "The only way I know to change someone else is to change oneself, because when you are different, the intimate other has to change in response to your changed behavior or attitude. That is to say, the other person can no longer rely on your predictable responses."
Are you experiencing the kind of depth, and vitality that you want in your primary relationship? Are you finding that you and your partner are excited to connect with one another deeply, or are there things that get in the way? “We don’t have time.” is a common theme, or “S/he is not the person I married.” How is it that we drift away from the juice that was present in our relationship when it was new? “That’s just what happens.”, is the cultural mythology we are raised with. But in fact, your partner IS the person you married, and if creating a vibrant juicy partnership with your beloved is not at the top of your priority list, what is?!
We unconsciously choose the partner who most challenges us to grow, the one who will best fuel our evolution, unless we chicken out, that is. In this very moment you have just the relationship you need. You can either step up and do the work, or you can step out, metaphorically or literally, and let the greatest learning opportunity of your life slide by the wayside.
Do you want passion and life back in your relationship? The place to start is truth-telling. Tell your whole truth and nothing but your truth, while compassionately owning that your truth is your responsibility. Do not expect your partner to understand or agree with you. That is not fair or even possible, most of the time. S/he is living in his/her own view of reality and there is no capitol “T” truth, only the truth of your experience for you from your point of view. Thriving couples, couples full of joy and energy, have very permeable boundaries when it comes to authentic communication. They are willing to share their authentic internal experience with one another with the understanding that any negative opinion from the partner does not define the self, but is simply information. Thriving partners are able to hold onto their centers in the face of judgment or pressure from each other, and not compromise their wants, so resentments do not fester and grow into the harvest of silence that plagues so many couples after just a few years together.
Telling the truth is a rare and scary experience in our culture. “What will my partner think of me!?” “What if s/he is angry/hurt/disappointed!!?” “What if our relationship can’t handle the truth!?” To that I answer: if your partner doesn’t know what is really going on with you, s/he is not actually having a relationship with you at all. S/he is having a relationship with the image you display. You want to know why your relationship feels flat and frustrating? Your partner is actually having a relationship with your image, while all the time you are trying to connect with his/hers. Imagine how raw and sexy it would be if you actually met each other’s naked, real selves one day. That’s where the juice is, risky as it seems. Oh, and don’t expect your partner to like it for quite awhile. Expect your partner to kick and scream and push all your buttons before s/he learns to love it. Hold on to yourself without apologizing or defending, without getting reactive, with the faith that real connection, real passionate relationship is worth the temporary storm. You have the power to revitalize your relationship if you have the guts to hold on to your truth. In words of celebrated family therapist Jim Framo: "The only way I know to change someone else is to change oneself, because when you are different, the intimate other has to change in response to your changed behavior or attitude. That is to say, the other person can no longer rely on your predictable responses."
| gaelenbillingsley_rel_tellingtruth.doc |