The Healthiest Family Structure : A Systemic Perspective
At the root of most problems a family therapist will encounter, are the strategies that family members adopt over time to manage stress. Individuals, couples, families, societies, and cultures all adopt strategies (strategies which eventually solidify into interactional patterns and structures) to minimize stress on the family system. Family problems usually stem from strategies that may have made sense at one time, but no longer serve their original purpose in a system that is in the process of constant change (as all families are). The therapist's task is to get a handle on the family patterns and structures that have arisen from the strategies, and figure out how to sculpt them into new forms that work with the evolution of the family system instead of against it. Understanding family patterns and structure also fosters self-awareness in clients, a valuable tool for change.
Fear that children will not grow into happy and healthy adults unless they are carefully molded into the shape that parents believe creates happy, healthy adults, is a major stumbling block to the health of a family. Culturally-supported rigidity is adopted by parents as a strategy to insure that children are raised "right", but fear that they will fail in their parental duty if they are not sufficiently vigilant is a stifling dynamic that interferes with flexibility, empathy, and authentic connection between family members.
Preconceived notions about “good child raising” sometimes causes parents not to meet the needs of their children, particularly when there is fear that if parents are responsive to the needs of babies and small children, they will grow into needy, dependent adults. Western parents tend to push young children to be "independent". This well-meaning rigidity in the parental approach fosters a basic lack of trust within children. The unintended message children receive is that their needs are not going to be met in life, and this in turn fosters a deeply ingrained feeling of helplessness, as children learn that when they cry, the parent will only answer if help is warranted from the parent's point of view. A rigid parenting philosophy can also cause some kids to act out in inappropriate ways in the effort to get their needs met, and once kids fall into an "acting out" rut, it is very hard to get out again!
On the other side of the spectrum are families founded by parents who reject the above culturally-accepted rigid model with the determination to do things differently from the way THEIR parents did them. In these loose-structure families, children often become the permanent focus of the family, and family life revolves around the kids' needs rather than the needs of the parents. Just as with rigid-structure parents, parents in loose-structure families also hold the best intention of raising healthy, happy kids, and they believe that loving them and respecting them as autonomous beings is all that is required. The trouble rises when these parents become so determined to be respectful of their children's persons, and so concerned about "making their kids happy" that they have a hard time enforcing "no", or creating effective hierarchy in the family. Loose-structure parents often treat their children more like friends and confidants than kids, a dynamic that puts developmentally inappropriate pressure on a child to provide the parent with the kind of emotional support that the child actually needs to be receiving from the parent, and causing anxiety in the child.
The most balanced and resilient kids come from a middle path, a family structure that is neither rigid nor loose, but somewhere in between. In the healthiest family structure there is a natural progression from being fairly child-focused when the children are infants, to a lower level of child-focus as children mature, and ultimately the parental unit, single, partnered or otherwise, remains the central unit around which the family is organized. Healthy families have an established hierarchy between parents and children, but the parents are non-punitive and non-critical, so the boundaries of communication between parent and child is very permeable. In other words, parents are open to and even solicit the child's point of view. Kids are not shamed or punished for sharing what they think or who they are. Their ideas are valued as an important contribution to a co-created family life. Parents who are punitive and judging create a family dynamic wherein the children are afraid to be authentic with the parents about their feelings and their experiences. Kids from families with judging parents and rigid boundaries don’t go to their parents when they are in need of help out of fear that the need will not be met, and/or they will be shamed for needing it. Channels of communication between parents and children become clogged in rigid family systems, trust and intimacy are hampered, and kids don’t form true intimate relationships with their parents. Their true selves remain hidden.
On the other side of the spectrum, kids from families with loose structure and wobbly boundaries don't go to parents for help either because they never learn to trust in the strength of parental hierarchy. Basically those kids don't trust that their parents could handle it if they did go to them.
Respect is a norm that figures highly in the healthiest families; respect for the privacy of all family members and respect for every member’s voice. Family members allow compassionate room for one another’s feelings without feeling threatened by, or responsible for them. All members, children included, have a voice in the negotiation of family norms, but the open listening does not degenerate into a situation wherein the children have so much power that the hierarchy of the parental unit is undermined. Ideally parents have enough personal authority, and have created boundaries that are sufficiently well-defined, to maintain their position in the hierarchy without resorting to anxiety-reducing gimmicks like distancing, attacking, blaming, caving-in, or forming alliances with child members against the other parent/s.
The healthiest families hold an easy-going perspective on making mistakes. Errors of judgment and bad decisions are not saved up like ammunition to be used against family members in future conflicts, or used to construct the labels and roles that family members use box one another in. Parents model saying "I'm sorry" when they make mistakes, instead of "saving face", thereby demonstrating to children that risking and failing, or making bad choices, does not define them as people. When a family adopts the philosophy that "mistakes are a necessary prerequisite for learning", a family culture is created that leaves children free, as they grow, to make proactive life-choices based on what they want to create for themselves rather than choices based on fear of failure, or choices made out of reaction to other people's judgment.
Finally, consistency forms a good part of the structural foundation in the healthiest families. Consistency shows up when parents model "doing what they say they are going to do", and comes into play again when children know generally what kind of reaction and behavior to expect from parents in a given situation. Lack of consistency inside the family when it comes to expectations for behavior, and lack of consistency regarding sanctions in response to behavior, are major causes for ill health in family members, creating the anxiety-provoking sense that there is no solid ground to stand on.
It is important for a family therapist to take into account the greater systems in which a family is embedded, as well as the dynamics within the family. Human beings don’t live in a vacuum. They are part of a whole interconnecting web of relationships, patterns, structures, and it is very difficult to change one piece of a pattern without a precipitating a shift in the whole. Outside forces can put pressure on the family system. Facing bigotry, poverty, or illness can magnify the effects of dysfunctional family structure. But the healthiest families are more resilient than either the ones founded on structures that are too rigid, or too loose. In middle-of-the-path families, the boundary between the family and the larger system outside is firm enough to provide a buffer between family members and any negative outside forces, but permeable enough to allow for the fluid passing of information in and out of the family system. Having a boundary that is too solid creates a dynamic that tends to intensify dysfunctional patterns as energy gets focused inward towards a center that spins with greater and greater intensity. This can happen in both rigid and loose family structures. In contrast the boundary around the healthiest families is a flexible membrane that allows for the formation of close relationships with people outside the central-family-unit, relationships that connect the family with the greater outside community.
So what does all this mean to you?:
1. Relax and have fun. Kids are resilient!
2. Trust that babies come into the world knowing what they need.
3. Listen to your kids.
4. Trust that kids will make developmentally appropriate leaps at the developmentally
appropriate time. Your job is not to push them, but to slowly let go in response to their push away from YOU.
5. Make mistakes, apologize for them, and model not letting them define your sense of self.
6. Go to your friends and your therapist for support for your problems and your personal life, not to your children.
7. Know that your child needs to know that you are in charge in order to feel safe in the world.
8. Understand that a child who is "screwing-up" feels as trapped and helpless in the face of the dynamic as you do. That child needs your help, not your reactivity.
9. Remember that whether they will admit it or not, what you think of them is terribly important to children. WATCH YOUR WORDS. Every parental word goes straight to the heart and self-definition in the only partially formed ego of a child or adolescent. If you want a child who will grow into an adult who is successful and kind, punctuate the times when she is successful and kind, not the times when you feel disappointed in her.
10. Create a healthy community around your family. Nourishing bonds outside the central family unit provide positive energy for developmental growth and assist the family system in maintaining resilience in times of stress.
At the root of most problems a family therapist will encounter, are the strategies that family members adopt over time to manage stress. Individuals, couples, families, societies, and cultures all adopt strategies (strategies which eventually solidify into interactional patterns and structures) to minimize stress on the family system. Family problems usually stem from strategies that may have made sense at one time, but no longer serve their original purpose in a system that is in the process of constant change (as all families are). The therapist's task is to get a handle on the family patterns and structures that have arisen from the strategies, and figure out how to sculpt them into new forms that work with the evolution of the family system instead of against it. Understanding family patterns and structure also fosters self-awareness in clients, a valuable tool for change.
Fear that children will not grow into happy and healthy adults unless they are carefully molded into the shape that parents believe creates happy, healthy adults, is a major stumbling block to the health of a family. Culturally-supported rigidity is adopted by parents as a strategy to insure that children are raised "right", but fear that they will fail in their parental duty if they are not sufficiently vigilant is a stifling dynamic that interferes with flexibility, empathy, and authentic connection between family members.
Preconceived notions about “good child raising” sometimes causes parents not to meet the needs of their children, particularly when there is fear that if parents are responsive to the needs of babies and small children, they will grow into needy, dependent adults. Western parents tend to push young children to be "independent". This well-meaning rigidity in the parental approach fosters a basic lack of trust within children. The unintended message children receive is that their needs are not going to be met in life, and this in turn fosters a deeply ingrained feeling of helplessness, as children learn that when they cry, the parent will only answer if help is warranted from the parent's point of view. A rigid parenting philosophy can also cause some kids to act out in inappropriate ways in the effort to get their needs met, and once kids fall into an "acting out" rut, it is very hard to get out again!
On the other side of the spectrum are families founded by parents who reject the above culturally-accepted rigid model with the determination to do things differently from the way THEIR parents did them. In these loose-structure families, children often become the permanent focus of the family, and family life revolves around the kids' needs rather than the needs of the parents. Just as with rigid-structure parents, parents in loose-structure families also hold the best intention of raising healthy, happy kids, and they believe that loving them and respecting them as autonomous beings is all that is required. The trouble rises when these parents become so determined to be respectful of their children's persons, and so concerned about "making their kids happy" that they have a hard time enforcing "no", or creating effective hierarchy in the family. Loose-structure parents often treat their children more like friends and confidants than kids, a dynamic that puts developmentally inappropriate pressure on a child to provide the parent with the kind of emotional support that the child actually needs to be receiving from the parent, and causing anxiety in the child.
The most balanced and resilient kids come from a middle path, a family structure that is neither rigid nor loose, but somewhere in between. In the healthiest family structure there is a natural progression from being fairly child-focused when the children are infants, to a lower level of child-focus as children mature, and ultimately the parental unit, single, partnered or otherwise, remains the central unit around which the family is organized. Healthy families have an established hierarchy between parents and children, but the parents are non-punitive and non-critical, so the boundaries of communication between parent and child is very permeable. In other words, parents are open to and even solicit the child's point of view. Kids are not shamed or punished for sharing what they think or who they are. Their ideas are valued as an important contribution to a co-created family life. Parents who are punitive and judging create a family dynamic wherein the children are afraid to be authentic with the parents about their feelings and their experiences. Kids from families with judging parents and rigid boundaries don’t go to their parents when they are in need of help out of fear that the need will not be met, and/or they will be shamed for needing it. Channels of communication between parents and children become clogged in rigid family systems, trust and intimacy are hampered, and kids don’t form true intimate relationships with their parents. Their true selves remain hidden.
On the other side of the spectrum, kids from families with loose structure and wobbly boundaries don't go to parents for help either because they never learn to trust in the strength of parental hierarchy. Basically those kids don't trust that their parents could handle it if they did go to them.
Respect is a norm that figures highly in the healthiest families; respect for the privacy of all family members and respect for every member’s voice. Family members allow compassionate room for one another’s feelings without feeling threatened by, or responsible for them. All members, children included, have a voice in the negotiation of family norms, but the open listening does not degenerate into a situation wherein the children have so much power that the hierarchy of the parental unit is undermined. Ideally parents have enough personal authority, and have created boundaries that are sufficiently well-defined, to maintain their position in the hierarchy without resorting to anxiety-reducing gimmicks like distancing, attacking, blaming, caving-in, or forming alliances with child members against the other parent/s.
The healthiest families hold an easy-going perspective on making mistakes. Errors of judgment and bad decisions are not saved up like ammunition to be used against family members in future conflicts, or used to construct the labels and roles that family members use box one another in. Parents model saying "I'm sorry" when they make mistakes, instead of "saving face", thereby demonstrating to children that risking and failing, or making bad choices, does not define them as people. When a family adopts the philosophy that "mistakes are a necessary prerequisite for learning", a family culture is created that leaves children free, as they grow, to make proactive life-choices based on what they want to create for themselves rather than choices based on fear of failure, or choices made out of reaction to other people's judgment.
Finally, consistency forms a good part of the structural foundation in the healthiest families. Consistency shows up when parents model "doing what they say they are going to do", and comes into play again when children know generally what kind of reaction and behavior to expect from parents in a given situation. Lack of consistency inside the family when it comes to expectations for behavior, and lack of consistency regarding sanctions in response to behavior, are major causes for ill health in family members, creating the anxiety-provoking sense that there is no solid ground to stand on.
It is important for a family therapist to take into account the greater systems in which a family is embedded, as well as the dynamics within the family. Human beings don’t live in a vacuum. They are part of a whole interconnecting web of relationships, patterns, structures, and it is very difficult to change one piece of a pattern without a precipitating a shift in the whole. Outside forces can put pressure on the family system. Facing bigotry, poverty, or illness can magnify the effects of dysfunctional family structure. But the healthiest families are more resilient than either the ones founded on structures that are too rigid, or too loose. In middle-of-the-path families, the boundary between the family and the larger system outside is firm enough to provide a buffer between family members and any negative outside forces, but permeable enough to allow for the fluid passing of information in and out of the family system. Having a boundary that is too solid creates a dynamic that tends to intensify dysfunctional patterns as energy gets focused inward towards a center that spins with greater and greater intensity. This can happen in both rigid and loose family structures. In contrast the boundary around the healthiest families is a flexible membrane that allows for the formation of close relationships with people outside the central-family-unit, relationships that connect the family with the greater outside community.
So what does all this mean to you?:
1. Relax and have fun. Kids are resilient!
2. Trust that babies come into the world knowing what they need.
3. Listen to your kids.
4. Trust that kids will make developmentally appropriate leaps at the developmentally
appropriate time. Your job is not to push them, but to slowly let go in response to their push away from YOU.
5. Make mistakes, apologize for them, and model not letting them define your sense of self.
6. Go to your friends and your therapist for support for your problems and your personal life, not to your children.
7. Know that your child needs to know that you are in charge in order to feel safe in the world.
8. Understand that a child who is "screwing-up" feels as trapped and helpless in the face of the dynamic as you do. That child needs your help, not your reactivity.
9. Remember that whether they will admit it or not, what you think of them is terribly important to children. WATCH YOUR WORDS. Every parental word goes straight to the heart and self-definition in the only partially formed ego of a child or adolescent. If you want a child who will grow into an adult who is successful and kind, punctuate the times when she is successful and kind, not the times when you feel disappointed in her.
10. Create a healthy community around your family. Nourishing bonds outside the central family unit provide positive energy for developmental growth and assist the family system in maintaining resilience in times of stress.
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