Unwrapping the Powerful Self
An anxious, self-critical client asked me a question at the start of session a few weeks ago: "On a scale of one to ten, how crazy do you think I am?" I paused for a moment, trying to fit her question into my conception of reality before giving it up completely. "I am afraid I can’t answer your question because "crazy" doesn’t fit into my conception of reality," I said. "What I see is that everyone walking around the planet carries a load of four painful things: Fear, Sadness, Guilt, and Shame. Everyone has some, and some people have more of than others. The more you have, the more prone you are to relationship trouble and mental health problems." A lot of the work I do centers on bringing clients out from under heavy loads of Fear and it's two virulent children: Guilt and Shame, so we can uncover the parts inside that will carry THEM instead.
There are three pillars that are the foundation for healthy, self-actualized human behavior. The first, personal authority, is the ability to maintain your core values and sense of self in the face of oppositional and/or judging people outside of you. The second, personal power, is the knowing that you have the power to be the author of your own life rather than a victim of chance or a greater authority. The third, compassion, is a kind and loving understanding that all beings, including the self, do the best they know how to do, given what they know. Compassion includes the idea that the mistakes we make are not self-definition. They are simply opportunities to learn, and reset our course to try again.
When you possess high levels of personal authority, personal power, and compassion, it is easy for you to take note of the full scope of choice that life offers. You can risk with an understanding that mistakes are not fatal, and have the graceful flexibility to change course when a chosen path does not hold up to its promise. High levels of personal authority, personal power, and compassion allow you to avoid being crippled with self-judgment, or fears about the judgment of others. Levels of anxiety remains low enough to allow reason to come into play in more unbiased weighing of the actual benefits and cost of risk. Low levels of anxiety also facilitate personal insight and consistency, allowing the choices you make to match up with your inner plans and wants, rather than coming out of reaction to the actions or judgement of other people.
So what stands in the way of the three great forces: personal authority, personal power, and compassion? What is at the root of dis-empowerment, lack of intimacy, and mental health problems that are not organically based? Fear! Fear and faulty strategies from trying to cope with past fear are at the root of behaviors and feelings that do not support you in achieving the level of personal development that you want.
Fear of acting on choices that might turn out to be “mistakes that make things worse" paralyzes you into inaction, inaction that can eventually lead to states of anxiety and depression. Fear of critical judgment from others contributes to a lack of risk taking, initiative, and creativity, all major building blocks that contribute to lives of learning and richness. Fear of judgment is also the major factor that blocks you from true intimacy, the sharing of your true self and most precious gifts with the people you love.
So how do we gently soothe the fear that paralyzes us, and begin to see where we allow old patterns and coping strategies to stand in the way of personal authority, personal power and compassion?
1) Begin by just noticing, in a self-loving manner, what you do. Just watch yourself. Watch YOU with great compassion and no judgement. See, as you go through your day, if you can get a sense of why you do what you do. When you experience a strong emotion ask yourself where it comes from, what you may be re-playing from earlier in your life, what the feeling reminds you of that you may have experienced before. Bringing hidden internal triggers and motivations to light is the first step to not being controlled by them any longer. And developing an inner central part of yourself that can view what you do with compassion and understanding is the first step to unhooking from your need to be liked and approved of by outside people.
2) Stay in the moment as much as you can. The only real moment is the one you are experiencing right now. Spending your life embroiled in thoughts of the past, or fear of the future, robs you of your power to have the life you want RIGHT NOW. The past is gone forever. It is not real. The future is nothing but a thought. It is not real either. The only real moment is right now. The only time that you can be what you want to be, or be doing what you want to do is RIGHT NOW. Focus your primary attention on the only moment that is real. Now.
3) Tell the truth. Start to tell the truth about your self, and what is really going on with you. A big part of telling the truth is saying "No" to things you do not want for yourself. Begin small if you need to. Learning to be authentic and not censor your authentic-self can be challenging. But it is the key to reaching your highest potential. It is the key to unwrapping yourself from the stifling layers of societal and familial acceptability that smother you, to release the joy and personal power you were born to experience.
An anxious, self-critical client asked me a question at the start of session a few weeks ago: "On a scale of one to ten, how crazy do you think I am?" I paused for a moment, trying to fit her question into my conception of reality before giving it up completely. "I am afraid I can’t answer your question because "crazy" doesn’t fit into my conception of reality," I said. "What I see is that everyone walking around the planet carries a load of four painful things: Fear, Sadness, Guilt, and Shame. Everyone has some, and some people have more of than others. The more you have, the more prone you are to relationship trouble and mental health problems." A lot of the work I do centers on bringing clients out from under heavy loads of Fear and it's two virulent children: Guilt and Shame, so we can uncover the parts inside that will carry THEM instead.
There are three pillars that are the foundation for healthy, self-actualized human behavior. The first, personal authority, is the ability to maintain your core values and sense of self in the face of oppositional and/or judging people outside of you. The second, personal power, is the knowing that you have the power to be the author of your own life rather than a victim of chance or a greater authority. The third, compassion, is a kind and loving understanding that all beings, including the self, do the best they know how to do, given what they know. Compassion includes the idea that the mistakes we make are not self-definition. They are simply opportunities to learn, and reset our course to try again.
When you possess high levels of personal authority, personal power, and compassion, it is easy for you to take note of the full scope of choice that life offers. You can risk with an understanding that mistakes are not fatal, and have the graceful flexibility to change course when a chosen path does not hold up to its promise. High levels of personal authority, personal power, and compassion allow you to avoid being crippled with self-judgment, or fears about the judgment of others. Levels of anxiety remains low enough to allow reason to come into play in more unbiased weighing of the actual benefits and cost of risk. Low levels of anxiety also facilitate personal insight and consistency, allowing the choices you make to match up with your inner plans and wants, rather than coming out of reaction to the actions or judgement of other people.
So what stands in the way of the three great forces: personal authority, personal power, and compassion? What is at the root of dis-empowerment, lack of intimacy, and mental health problems that are not organically based? Fear! Fear and faulty strategies from trying to cope with past fear are at the root of behaviors and feelings that do not support you in achieving the level of personal development that you want.
Fear of acting on choices that might turn out to be “mistakes that make things worse" paralyzes you into inaction, inaction that can eventually lead to states of anxiety and depression. Fear of critical judgment from others contributes to a lack of risk taking, initiative, and creativity, all major building blocks that contribute to lives of learning and richness. Fear of judgment is also the major factor that blocks you from true intimacy, the sharing of your true self and most precious gifts with the people you love.
So how do we gently soothe the fear that paralyzes us, and begin to see where we allow old patterns and coping strategies to stand in the way of personal authority, personal power and compassion?
1) Begin by just noticing, in a self-loving manner, what you do. Just watch yourself. Watch YOU with great compassion and no judgement. See, as you go through your day, if you can get a sense of why you do what you do. When you experience a strong emotion ask yourself where it comes from, what you may be re-playing from earlier in your life, what the feeling reminds you of that you may have experienced before. Bringing hidden internal triggers and motivations to light is the first step to not being controlled by them any longer. And developing an inner central part of yourself that can view what you do with compassion and understanding is the first step to unhooking from your need to be liked and approved of by outside people.
2) Stay in the moment as much as you can. The only real moment is the one you are experiencing right now. Spending your life embroiled in thoughts of the past, or fear of the future, robs you of your power to have the life you want RIGHT NOW. The past is gone forever. It is not real. The future is nothing but a thought. It is not real either. The only real moment is right now. The only time that you can be what you want to be, or be doing what you want to do is RIGHT NOW. Focus your primary attention on the only moment that is real. Now.
3) Tell the truth. Start to tell the truth about your self, and what is really going on with you. A big part of telling the truth is saying "No" to things you do not want for yourself. Begin small if you need to. Learning to be authentic and not censor your authentic-self can be challenging. But it is the key to reaching your highest potential. It is the key to unwrapping yourself from the stifling layers of societal and familial acceptability that smother you, to release the joy and personal power you were born to experience.
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